Windows... Why do we find them dreamy?

Okay, really. In so many movies, the heroine- hell, even the hero- looks out of their window and thinks about how sweet and amazing and hot their love is (couples are also really starting to annoy me) so why?? And in musicals, there will be someone looking out the window and singing. Believe me, the looks I got from my neighbors explained why they won't let me anywhere near the chorus room. And when it was raining, I started thinking about Nick as I gazed out the window. No epiphinany. Just the same questions that keep buzzing around my heard like flies.
I can't sleep, I'm overthinking everything, and I'm eating lots. I'm starving and emptey inside...
Oh, damn!! I realize what it is now.
I'm sleeping lots less to not at all, so I'm thinking about him. Thinking about him is the only thing that keeps me sane, but makes the big gaping hole in my chest ache and I have to fill that with food. At least Oreos and strawberries won't leave me. They can't break my heart. Damn food... Essential to survival... >P


-- Rachael's iTouch

I need him.

As pathetic and unfeministic as that sounds, it's true. He makes me go from the disestablishmentarianist to sweethearted ingenous girl. Sure, I "loose my cool" and look like a dorky looser around him, but you know what? I'm okay with that. Because we're both loosers when it comes down to it. And as my dreams die and my heart starts to break, I like to think that he'd be there to help me through it, like he always is. It won't get better, because nothing can help these poor broken shards of my heart. It will NEVER get better, and I will NEVER forget him. We aren't the same; but that's fine. I don't want someone the same as me. I just want him. I feel complete, alive, and as hard as it is to believe, happy around him. If he can make me happy, he's the only one. Poor boy has never seen me cry myself to sleep. But maybe I wouldn't need to, if he was sitting next to me, stroking my soft blond hair and whispering sweet words into my ear as the moonlight shines upon us. Yeah, I can live without him. No, I don't want to. He's everything to me. And I thank God every day that I have him. Oh, I am very grateful. And so sad.
Love is undescribable. It sucks, it's amazing, it's sweet, it's heartache, it's heartbreak, it's tears streaming down my face, it's the smile lighting up my face as he laughs. It's something you have to live to know.


-- Post From My iPhone

What I've learned

So I was thinking last night, unable to sleep due to my irritatingly squeaky bed, and I've learned something.
I don't do "light relationships." I do relationships with someone who means something to me, someone I can love and be with and cherish and hold... And sometimes that dosn't work out. Sometimes that's for the better. But I realized one of my goals in life: to get married. I know that sounds a lot unlike me, but it's true. I daydream about it a lot, though I never see the groom. I want to get married, be a famous author, and have kids. So that's why I date people. Because I really like them, and I guess I'm not in 8th grade yet so I can't say the L word (although we all know I do) and that's why I'm so heartbroken over this. Oh, and happy birthday Nick. I miss you.

For my ex.

If I can give you nothing else, just let me say this: I love you, I miss you, and I can't believe the one good thing that ever happened to me is over, but I will be with you in spirit forever. It's a mess inside my head, lost thoughts and forgotten memories scattered around the floor, abstract concepts of thought floating around, but you I will always hold near. Because you're not in my head; you're in my heart. You are where I'm home, where I go to when I have nowhere left to turn. Also, I think it's weird that I can't tell you this stuff, yet I can blog about it and it could be read by random people who like dramatic stories about young love. If you ever need someone to hold, someone to tell you it'll be okay, someone sholder to cry on, I'm here for you. Because you were there for me. I don't dream to sleep; I sleep to dream because you are always there. I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too I guess that I just found out I'm nothing without you cause we belong together now yeah you've got a piece of me and honestly my life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you!
It's true though. I feel good enough to be loved by you. And if you don't love me, you seriously are blind. I'm blonde, I'm tall(ish), I have blue eyes, I'm smart, I can play 6 instruments, and I can write music. I guess we were perfect, and real life poured down on us.
Because nothing is that good in real life. And if it is, I wouldn't be able to get it. I'm miserable.
I can't say no to you. Never have, never will. We may be just kids, but I don't care. I'm not. My birth certificate may say so, but it's not true. I only felt totally happy around you. I don't know why; love is blind! But I do love you. Every day my misery gets worse. I miss you. Where was your heart? You weren't very physical (and I don't mean sex... Perverts.) and love is more than just glances and effortless talking. Yet you treated me like a queen, and I'm not used to that. So much was left unsaid (on my part anway) and I knew there wasn't enough words to say it. I could have expressed it through a kiss easily. At least you'd remember me. Don't forget me. We may grow apart as a couple, but I'll always be your friend. I'll catch you when you fall. A good friend would bail you out of jail, but a best friend would be sitting next to you saying "Damn, we screwed up!" because friends don't let friends do stupid things... Alone. And I already do stupid things, so why not have company?
We may be very different, but we are the same. I want to say the very important thing you left out when you broke up with me: Goodbye. I'll see you soon, I hope.
That's kind of important.

-- Rachael's iTouch

Why

A lot of my friends ask me "why?" to things like, "He's my everything and I can't live without him!!!"
Why? Because he makes me forget myself, my agony, my secret life. The one I don't talk about.
Why?
Because it hurts me so.
Why?
My secret life- Crying late at night into my pillowcase, silently as not to disturb other peoples sweet dreams. you ever looked into my eyes after I was zoning out? Did you ever realize how empty and sad they looked? How vacant and dark, their contents spilled out in a pool of crimson red? And the cause of all this, my souveir undiagnosed depression with suicidal tendancies. Oh, and my undiagnosed (self-diagnosed, which dosn't count) schizophrenia. Yeah, I have issues.
As some wise jackass once said, "There are plenty of girls in the world. Why choose a broken one?"
Well, I guess I can see where that jackass gets his thoughts from. I'm not perfect, I'm not beautiful, but are you? Are you one to judge me for not being Farrah Faucett? Are YOU flawless in every way? No! So think about what you say about my chemically inbalanced brain before my imbalanced foot kicks your inbalanced ass! (I watch That '70s Show too much...)
(Directed to... Well, we all know, even he does, so here you go, love:)
Why?

-- Post From My iPhone