I feel like everything has come crashing down on me. I feel like I have to lose everything that I need to make my mom happy... And yes, I want her happy. God, do I want her happy. She deserves it. I sound so damn selfish saying this, but why does she have to move to be with him? My whole life is here! My friends, my true love... He's all I think about, you know. That's why I talk about him so much. I can't get him out of my head. It's like he's "I wanna take a ride on a disco stick," it's on constant loop in my head. He is everything to me; he's everything I love and everything I hate rolled into one. You think I would either love that of hate that, but I'm just so confused... My head and my heart are a confused mess, my heart because I don't have him, my head because I normally follow my heart. It's never lead me astray... And as long as my heart keeps beating, I guess it's a victory.
So why dosnt it feel like it???
I feel like a general who sent every single one of his troops into battle, and the enemy was defeated, but in the process every single one of his troops was killed. And then be sees his wife, the lone survivor and queen of everything on their front, falls to the ground and dies.
So, that even if it is a victory it sure as hell dosnt feel like one.
Everyone asks me, why are you still in love with him?
Here's the answer: I don't know!! I don't know anything about myself, or hell, anyone else! I don't know what to think... I don't know what to feel... I don't know what I should do! Everything I do gets me or someone else hurt. I'd rather he miserable and everyone else elated, but it's just impossible. I'm driving myself crazy and miserable trying to do the impossible... Why can no one get along? Why does everyone stab forks in my eyes to make me see? Why????
Why do so many people feel this way? Why is there so much loss and desperation? Desception and lies are tearing the world as we know it apart. Because this happens every day- somebody falls in love, somebody breaks their heart. Why did I give him the most fragile part of me? It's like a beautiful glass sculpture fixed with duct tape... And then he dropped it. Little glass dhards went flying everywhere.
Look at the world around you. How could I have been so stupid as to fall in love? There's misery and desperation everywhere. Happiness is a lie. That's why when the illusion fades, every heartbreak hurts twice as much.
Oh, Nick.
People also ask why I love him.
The answer to that is simple.
He noticed that I'm not okay. I am not okay. And sure, I lied and said I was fine, but be shouldn't worry about me. It's not like he can change the world... Oh, but to me, he is the world.
I feel so much better after writing all that! Oh, and one more thing- I love you, Nick. I really do. I always have felt like this, and now I see that no matter what happens to us I always will. I guess that I'm lost, because the one guy- the one PERSON- who can make me completely and totally happy is gone.
Oh well. I'm used to having to leave behind the things that mean everything to me.
And that, love, is the truth.
-- Rachael's iTouch
