New Year!

Yay! Happy new year! Woo hoo! Here's my resolutions:

1. Stop being so silent and in the shadows. If I care enough to post routinely on a blog, I must care a little bit about letting people know my feelings.
2. Get a boyfriend. I don't want to sound desperate, but I don't want just any boy to be my boyfriend. I want someone sweet, caring, funny, a good listener but also empathetic and willing to talk because you know me, little miss Rachael who? and he has to be down-to-earth (unlike dreamy me) so a Cancer would be perfect for this Virgo. And he also has to know me well enough to know what not to say.
3. loose ten pounds. You might not think I need it, but I'm actually a good bit heavier than the slim, supposedly anorexic chick people think I am.
4. Prove to people I'm a lot more than the slim, supposedly anorexic blonde chick who always fails math and has fallen for her best friend and can't do anything but make guys fall in love with her.

I had this really weird dream last night. It was like a co-ed sleep-away summer camp where we rode dirt bikes and motorcycles and there were hardly any counselors. So I was there and there were four guys. One was Nick (shockingly, he's in a good bit of my dreams) and there was a pair of twins with dark hair, almond-shaped hazel eyes, and full lips. And the last guy in my dream was their older brother Cliff. I don't know where his name came from. So I immediately started unpacking when Nick walked by and slapped me a high-five. Then one of the twins walked by. He blushed as he looked at me, murmuring something. He took my hand and kissed it. Blinking at this unusual move, I looked into his eyes. Light danced with darkness, the moon and the sun as one. It was amazing. (When I woke I realized that they were Nick's eyes. God.) He kissed me tenderly on my lips. I blinked and he was gone. At this point I honestly didn't know there was twins. Cliff wanted nothing to do with me. so the other twin, with the same eyes, came and kissed me the same. I opened my eyes, still confused. Later, we were zip-lining. Somehow I still didn't see one of the twins. So we got to the end of the zip-line, and I was laughing with adrenaline-filled happiness. He took a lock of my hair and put it around my ear. His eyes were a labyrinth of lust and confusion. He kissed me again, more passionately. Then Nick came and his eyes were a heart-wrenching pain.

Then I woke.

So, how was your New Year?

it's the most *cough* wonderful time of the *sneeze* year

It seems like I've been riding a very adrenaline-pumped, slightly scary emotional roller coaster lately. You know, I think this is more of a thing where I'm really bored and have nothing to do but go through memories that I might not like so much and ones that I keep close to my heart. I was really bored yesterday so I stared surfing the Web on my new iPod and found out that love is the mutual feeling of respect and friendship between two people. Well what about me? We all know I love Nick, but can I call it love? I don't know of it's mutual or not! We're very tentatively holding on to our "just friends" relationship. And trust me, that last thing I want is our friendship ruined. He's an awesome guy (to me) and he's really sweet (to me) and he's really funny (to me) an I was also surfing and looked on wikiHow to see the ways you can tell if a guy is interested in you. And to be honest, Nick met most of the criteria thing except for the teasing thing because he knows how much I hate that. (He knows me so well!) God, I wish I could be the girl I was.
Sadly, she grew up. Back then I was fine being just friends with him. I would never have noticed that little flip my heart did as soon as I saw him (that's called frission, children) and the blush that heated my face. Then I had to ruin it by falling in love with him when I drove away from elementary school on the last day of fifth grade. Then everybody found out in sixth grade (thanks a lot, DJ) and he found out something big that I don't want to mention here, but I'll tell you that it makes my atonement to him very, very large. Sigh. Oh, when I was on WikiHow I saw this article on how to be irresistible to anyone. Here's the secret: You have to think lusty thoughts, and make it sow in your eyes. Turn your eyes to someone and they will fall for you in a snap! Just practice it though, and make sure you don't look pschcotic. I did it and I looked like I belonged in a mental hospital, so yeah. PRACTICE IS KEY. Keep alluring people!
XOXO and holiday resentments,
Rachael

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

Every night
Coming together
Sleepless eyes
Heartbreaking sobs
When will you find me
Calling your name
Trying to find who I really love
Is it you? Or you? Or him?
My life is falling apart it seems
God! I don't have my "inspiration" with me so all my songs SUCK. Like "save me!" *bangs head against laptop* I'm so freaking wrecked without him. I'm totally messed up. I can't write, I cant think- as clearly marked by this crappy post- but I really missed him today. I want to talk to him. I find his mind intreguing. I think we'd be a great couple because we're already friends and we have SO MUCH in common and we look good together because we're both so short and blonde and I have blue eyes and he has blue, brown and green eyes and we both like the same movies and foods and stuff... God, I must sound seriously desparate. I hope someday I'll be seriously famous and he'll be trying to get my attention when I'm signing books at Borders and I'll be like, "Oh, do I know you? Oh right, you're my best guy friend who I fell in love with and you broke my heart and changed me forever! did I mention I'm getting married to (insert name of fioncee here) in July? July 17th!" I just wish I could know how he felt about me, too. That would make my life sooooo much eaisier! Last year the other Nick told me that Nick loved me too. I remember that day.
Math class, where we were doing projects, Nick kept asking to borrow my stuff which got really annoying, so I refused and he said, "If you give me it I'll tell you something about Nick." So I hastily threw it at him when I flushed and asked, "This isn't somehing gross, is it?" I asked hesitantly. He smiled at me and said, "Nick likes you. He likes you a lot." He said, looking me in the eye. My eyes opened wide, I blushed, and those two sentances kept running around in my head. The smartest thing that came to my mind was, "Hedi said so." I said. There was no doubt in my voice that I was estatically happy.
Daneel also said that if "Nick and you ever get married" and I blushed a lot right then, my cheeks on fire, like, a lot, and he continued, "and have a kid" and I blushed even more, "Will you make me your godfather?" Yeah, like that'll happen. But I said sure, anyway. I won't say that I wish all the above were true, I just want to take it one step at a time. Now I'm focusing on making him my boyfriend, and that's enough of an ordeal that I can't think of the future without lots of doubts. How can I be sure of anything with him? It seems like we're drifting apart as friends. I really need to save both my delecate sanity and my friendship with one of my best friends! He's really sweet though. He's a gentleman (when it's just us in Science. Like most guys, he's totally different when he's around his friends. Why do guys DO that? It's driving me insane!)
Well, I think I'm mostly there due to the fact that I miss him and love him but he's driving me CRAZY! Okay, I tend to forget this crap when I'm hanging out with him. He seems to wash away all my troubles with calm, clensing words. Even when he doesn't know what's wrong... how sweet is he? I love him! God! What is WRONG with me? I gotta go straighten out my messed-up head. bye, my fathful readers. Sorry for dragging you into my depressing love life.