This SUCKS dude.

I am so freaking nervous about school starting! I don't know ANYONE, and when I went to the open house the girls I saw looked bitchy and mean, and the guys were people who wore plaid. Nick never wore plaid. Right now all I'm wearing is a black tank top and shorts, but I'd sooner go to school in that than plaid.
However, I'm planning on wearing my high-tops, purple lace tights, bad-fairy skirt, my I <3 punk t shirt, studded bracelet, and red extentions. Possibly my black lace gloves... But I don't want to look like Madonna, either. Oh, and I hope it's cold so I can bring my leather biker jacket.
Oh, how I can't wait to see how they will look at me!
I'm going to Walgreens tomorrow to buy some cover-up and other makeup type stuff. Lets see how dad reacts to that!
I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I think of Nick- that time when we went ice skating and I could practically skate circles around him, when we went to the movies and talked through the whole thing (no loss, it wasn't that great of a movie) when we went lasertagging and if you've seen me in "the zone" you know how competative I get. And he loved me anyway! It still seems unbearably cruel that it's over. But I don't regret one thing I did, exept for possibly trying (and failing miserably) to jump over that stupid tennis net and falling flat on my face. Actually, I flipped over and then fell flat on my face. I even miss the rare occasion when we'd argue, and I'd get heated up over nothing and say something EXTRODINARILY stupid like, "well... Well... Yo mamas a llama!" and we'd start laughing. I miss it when he'd brush his hand with mine. I miss the look he'd give me, the light in his hazel eyes shining brighter than anything else around me, lighting up the darkness in my heart and giving me goosebumps all over, the hint of genuine caring and even- dare I say it- love in his eyes. I miss how even when I was sick he'd still think I'm beautiful (though he wasn't so eager to touch me) and even when I was defeated and broken he'd make my smile and even though I've done the STUPIDEST things he still forgave me. On the extremely off chance that you're reading this, I really want to say that I'm sorry and I miss you and everything in my life is falling apart... I never thought I'd loose you. But since I did, I admit I've been worrying about someone else getting you, a tanned strawberry blonde with smiling brown eyes and no troubles, no hopeless dreams, no 'rental issues. But then I think, yeah, he could get her. But I'm blonde, well-built, blue eyed, and sweetly sad in a way no one else can pull off. I know for a fact that there is someone besides him in love with me, and maybe I could learn to love. But he's my first boyfriend. And my first love. I don't think I'll ever forget him. We may not bs together forever- and tears are pushing against the back of my eyes as I say this- we might not even see each other again, but I have memories that I think of every day. Memories of me and you, shy friends in love.
And I'm as free, as a bird now!!!
*waves candle in time to the music*
I would sneak over to your house, but seeing as it's 2am I'm not sure if you'd appreciate that. Plus I'm not exactly sure which house you live in. You just told me the general area.
Oh GOD!!!!! I FORGOT HIS BITHDAY!!!
I feel awful now :(
I'm sorry Nick!! :(
-- Rachael's iTouch

Bisexuality

It's so freeing to admit that I, Rachael Marie Walker, am bisexual. I can go like, ooh, she's hot, and not have to hastily correct myself. And, you know, I still do like guys too.
I think I have had a crush on a girl for a while now. Well, I only just realized it, but I think it's been there, nagging at my subconcious. Oh, between marrying Nick and her Nick wins, hands-down. I think my female XX chromosomes like guys, so I'm naturally inclined to love them, plus the biological side of it, you know, stick goes in the hole- but guys are assholes. Not all of them. But a lot of them. I really hope y'all won't judge me- this is an extremley difficult time for me.
I mean, seriously. Girls are beautiful. So are guys.
This feels so liberating to declare!
I'm bi I'm bi I'm bi I'm bi I'm bi I'm bi I'm bi
WOOHOO!
And I still love a guy!
And SCREW YOU HOMOPHOBES!

Rachael's iTouch

The truth

I feel like everything has come crashing down on me. I feel like I have to lose everything that I need to make my mom happy... And yes, I want her happy. God, do I want her happy. She deserves it. I sound so damn selfish saying this, but why does she have to move to be with him? My whole life is here! My friends, my true love... He's all I think about, you know. That's why I talk about him so much. I can't get him out of my head. It's like he's "I wanna take a ride on a disco stick," it's on constant loop in my head. He is everything to me; he's everything I love and everything I hate rolled into one. You think I would either love that of hate that, but I'm just so confused... My head and my heart are a confused mess, my heart because I don't have him, my head because I normally follow my heart. It's never lead me astray... And as long as my heart keeps beating, I guess it's a victory.
So why dosnt it feel like it???
I feel like a general who sent every single one of his troops into battle, and the enemy was defeated, but in the process every single one of his troops was killed. And then be sees his wife, the lone survivor and queen of everything on their front, falls to the ground and dies.
So, that even if it is a victory it sure as hell dosnt feel like one.
Everyone asks me, why are you still in love with him?
Here's the answer: I don't know!! I don't know anything about myself, or hell, anyone else! I don't know what to think... I don't know what to feel... I don't know what I should do! Everything I do gets me or someone else hurt. I'd rather he miserable and everyone else elated, but it's just impossible. I'm driving myself crazy and miserable trying to do the impossible... Why can no one get along? Why does everyone stab forks in my eyes to make me see? Why????
Why do so many people feel this way? Why is there so much loss and desperation? Desception and lies are tearing the world as we know it apart. Because this happens every day- somebody falls in love, somebody breaks their heart. Why did I give him the most fragile part of me? It's like a beautiful glass sculpture fixed with duct tape... And then he dropped it. Little glass dhards went flying everywhere.
Look at the world around you. How could I have been so stupid as to fall in love? There's misery and desperation everywhere. Happiness is a lie. That's why when the illusion fades, every heartbreak hurts twice as much.
Oh, Nick.

People also ask why I love him.
The answer to that is simple.
He noticed that I'm not okay. I am not okay. And sure, I lied and said I was fine, but be shouldn't worry about me. It's not like he can change the world... Oh, but to me, he is the world.
I feel so much better after writing all that! Oh, and one more thing- I love you, Nick. I really do. I always have felt like this, and now I see that no matter what happens to us I always will. I guess that I'm lost, because the one guy- the one PERSON- who can make me completely and totally happy is gone.
Oh well. I'm used to having to leave behind the things that mean everything to me.
And that, love, is the truth.

-- Rachael's iTouch

The truth

I feel like everything has come crashing down on me. I feel like I have to lose everything that I need to make my mom happy... And yes, I want her happy. God, do I want her happy. She deserves it. I sound so damn selfish saying this, but why does she have to move to be with him? My whole life is here! My friends, my true love... He's all I think about, you know. That's why I talk about him so much. I can't get him out of my head. It's like he's "I wanna take a ride on a disco stick," it's on constant loop in my head. He is everything to me; he's everything I love and everything I hate rolled into one. You think I would either love that of hate that, but I'm just so confused... My head and my heart are a confused mess, my heart because I don't have him, my head because I normally follow my heart. It's never lead me astray... And as long as my heart keeps beating, I guess it's a victory.
So why dosnt it feel like it???
I feel like a general who sent every single one of his troops into battle, and the enemy was defeated, but in the process every single one of his troops was killed. And then be sees his wife, the lone survivor and queen of everything on their front, falls to the ground and dies.
So, that even if it is a victory it sure as hell dosnt feel like one.
Everyone asks me, why are you still in love with him?
Here's the answer: I don't know!! I don't know anything about myself, or hell, anyone else! I don't know what to think... I don't know what to feel... I don't know what I should do! Everything I do gets me or someone else hurt. I'd rather he miserable and everyone else elated, but it's just impossible. I'm driving myself crazy and miserable trying to do the impossible... Why can no one get along? Why does everyone stab forks in my eyes to make me see? Why????
Why do so many people feel this way? Why is there so much loss and desperation? Desception and lies are tearing the world as we know it apart. Because this happens every day- somebody falls in love, somebody breaks their heart. Why did I give him the most fragile part of me? It's like a beautiful glass sculpture fixed with duct tape... And then he dropped it. Little glass dhards went flying everywhere.
Look at the world around you. How could I have been so stupid as to fall in love? There's misery and desperation everywhere. Happiness is a lie. That's why when the illusion fades, every heartbreak hurts twice as much.
Oh, Nick.

People also ask why I love him.
The answer to that is simple.
He noticed that I'm not okay. I am not okay. And sure, I lied and said I was fine, but be shouldn't worry about me. It's not like he can change the world... Oh, but to me, he is the world.
I feel so much better after writing all that! Oh, and one more thing- I love you, Nick. I really do. I always have felt like this, and now I see that no matter what happens to us I always will. I guess that I'm lost, because the one guy- the one PERSON- who can make me completely and totally happy is gone.
Oh well. I'm used to having to leave behind the things that mean everything to me.

-- Rachael's iTouch

Windows... Why do we find them dreamy?

Okay, really. In so many movies, the heroine- hell, even the hero- looks out of their window and thinks about how sweet and amazing and hot their love is (couples are also really starting to annoy me) so why?? And in musicals, there will be someone looking out the window and singing. Believe me, the looks I got from my neighbors explained why they won't let me anywhere near the chorus room. And when it was raining, I started thinking about Nick as I gazed out the window. No epiphinany. Just the same questions that keep buzzing around my heard like flies.
I can't sleep, I'm overthinking everything, and I'm eating lots. I'm starving and emptey inside...
Oh, damn!! I realize what it is now.
I'm sleeping lots less to not at all, so I'm thinking about him. Thinking about him is the only thing that keeps me sane, but makes the big gaping hole in my chest ache and I have to fill that with food. At least Oreos and strawberries won't leave me. They can't break my heart. Damn food... Essential to survival... >P


-- Rachael's iTouch

I need him.

As pathetic and unfeministic as that sounds, it's true. He makes me go from the disestablishmentarianist to sweethearted ingenous girl. Sure, I "loose my cool" and look like a dorky looser around him, but you know what? I'm okay with that. Because we're both loosers when it comes down to it. And as my dreams die and my heart starts to break, I like to think that he'd be there to help me through it, like he always is. It won't get better, because nothing can help these poor broken shards of my heart. It will NEVER get better, and I will NEVER forget him. We aren't the same; but that's fine. I don't want someone the same as me. I just want him. I feel complete, alive, and as hard as it is to believe, happy around him. If he can make me happy, he's the only one. Poor boy has never seen me cry myself to sleep. But maybe I wouldn't need to, if he was sitting next to me, stroking my soft blond hair and whispering sweet words into my ear as the moonlight shines upon us. Yeah, I can live without him. No, I don't want to. He's everything to me. And I thank God every day that I have him. Oh, I am very grateful. And so sad.
Love is undescribable. It sucks, it's amazing, it's sweet, it's heartache, it's heartbreak, it's tears streaming down my face, it's the smile lighting up my face as he laughs. It's something you have to live to know.


-- Post From My iPhone

What I've learned

So I was thinking last night, unable to sleep due to my irritatingly squeaky bed, and I've learned something.
I don't do "light relationships." I do relationships with someone who means something to me, someone I can love and be with and cherish and hold... And sometimes that dosn't work out. Sometimes that's for the better. But I realized one of my goals in life: to get married. I know that sounds a lot unlike me, but it's true. I daydream about it a lot, though I never see the groom. I want to get married, be a famous author, and have kids. So that's why I date people. Because I really like them, and I guess I'm not in 8th grade yet so I can't say the L word (although we all know I do) and that's why I'm so heartbroken over this. Oh, and happy birthday Nick. I miss you.

For my ex.

If I can give you nothing else, just let me say this: I love you, I miss you, and I can't believe the one good thing that ever happened to me is over, but I will be with you in spirit forever. It's a mess inside my head, lost thoughts and forgotten memories scattered around the floor, abstract concepts of thought floating around, but you I will always hold near. Because you're not in my head; you're in my heart. You are where I'm home, where I go to when I have nowhere left to turn. Also, I think it's weird that I can't tell you this stuff, yet I can blog about it and it could be read by random people who like dramatic stories about young love. If you ever need someone to hold, someone to tell you it'll be okay, someone sholder to cry on, I'm here for you. Because you were there for me. I don't dream to sleep; I sleep to dream because you are always there. I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too I guess that I just found out I'm nothing without you cause we belong together now yeah you've got a piece of me and honestly my life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you!
It's true though. I feel good enough to be loved by you. And if you don't love me, you seriously are blind. I'm blonde, I'm tall(ish), I have blue eyes, I'm smart, I can play 6 instruments, and I can write music. I guess we were perfect, and real life poured down on us.
Because nothing is that good in real life. And if it is, I wouldn't be able to get it. I'm miserable.
I can't say no to you. Never have, never will. We may be just kids, but I don't care. I'm not. My birth certificate may say so, but it's not true. I only felt totally happy around you. I don't know why; love is blind! But I do love you. Every day my misery gets worse. I miss you. Where was your heart? You weren't very physical (and I don't mean sex... Perverts.) and love is more than just glances and effortless talking. Yet you treated me like a queen, and I'm not used to that. So much was left unsaid (on my part anway) and I knew there wasn't enough words to say it. I could have expressed it through a kiss easily. At least you'd remember me. Don't forget me. We may grow apart as a couple, but I'll always be your friend. I'll catch you when you fall. A good friend would bail you out of jail, but a best friend would be sitting next to you saying "Damn, we screwed up!" because friends don't let friends do stupid things... Alone. And I already do stupid things, so why not have company?
We may be very different, but we are the same. I want to say the very important thing you left out when you broke up with me: Goodbye. I'll see you soon, I hope.
That's kind of important.

-- Rachael's iTouch

Why

A lot of my friends ask me "why?" to things like, "He's my everything and I can't live without him!!!"
Why? Because he makes me forget myself, my agony, my secret life. The one I don't talk about.
Why?
Because it hurts me so.
Why?
My secret life- Crying late at night into my pillowcase, silently as not to disturb other peoples sweet dreams. you ever looked into my eyes after I was zoning out? Did you ever realize how empty and sad they looked? How vacant and dark, their contents spilled out in a pool of crimson red? And the cause of all this, my souveir undiagnosed depression with suicidal tendancies. Oh, and my undiagnosed (self-diagnosed, which dosn't count) schizophrenia. Yeah, I have issues.
As some wise jackass once said, "There are plenty of girls in the world. Why choose a broken one?"
Well, I guess I can see where that jackass gets his thoughts from. I'm not perfect, I'm not beautiful, but are you? Are you one to judge me for not being Farrah Faucett? Are YOU flawless in every way? No! So think about what you say about my chemically inbalanced brain before my imbalanced foot kicks your inbalanced ass! (I watch That '70s Show too much...)
(Directed to... Well, we all know, even he does, so here you go, love:)
Why?

-- Post From My iPhone

7 things (kind of Miley Cyrus parody)

Since I'm trying to get over bitter heartbreak I'm writing the things about him I simply CANNOT stand.
The 7 things I hate about you:
-He always whispers perverted things to Jacob, and I enjoy perv jokes sometimes, but he never let me in on them.
-I always seemed to be second-class to his guy friends, even when we were just friends!!!!!
-He can't stand my constant personality changes. Too fucking bad!
-He only treated me like a princess- like how you SHOULD treat the object of your affections- when we were alone.
-He never once checked me out. What, am I not hot enough for you?
-He never respected the fact that I am a rare person. I write songs- music and lyrics- I play 6 instruments, I can fix computers, I know everything about punk rock, I'm a dancer, I've been a writer since I was three, I'm blond and blue eyed too. Is that not good enough.
-I must have written 50 songs for him (or more, damn!) and he's never asked to read one.

There's a lot of things I like about him, but they'd take up like seven gigs to type.
So the seven I like:
-He looks at me funny whenever I make a perverted joke, like I'm too sweet to do that.
-He lets me have fun with my girls and not make me spend every hour with him.
-He likes sweet, sassy, sexy, flirty, smart, funny, and goofy personality changes.
-He treated me like a princess and he was my knight, sometimes even when we were in public.
-He did like my boobs:)
-He did seem surprised that I'm everything I am.
-He respected my artistic privacy and didn't read my songs.



(That says Your my everything, just FYI)
-- Post From My iPhone